Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
