I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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