i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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