I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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