My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
