Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
where does the pee come out of this thing
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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