She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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