for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
