I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the condom got lost in my hair
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
