i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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