She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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