If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
