Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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