i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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