Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
