cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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