Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
