He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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