Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
