he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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