If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
50% drunk capacity currently
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
