we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
