i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The best revenge is premature balding
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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