After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
