OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
