Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
