Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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