My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
