you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
