remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
