Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
