I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
