Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
