OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I forget how to act sober
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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