she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
