Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
