If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
