it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
