we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
