i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
