i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Blood and glitter go together right?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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