Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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