I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
