We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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