I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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