If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
