Where is the hickey?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
