Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
