fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
