apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
