so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
